Years after losing one child, my husband and I decided to have another child. I had to wait for depression to subside, build up confidence in my child rearing ability and come to terms that it wasn’t my fault.
Then there’s today. My daughter is five months old. By happenstance, I took her to the doctor for a health check, only to find out she had lost weight. Only a month after the previous appointment, she had lost a few ounces. For adults, we’d complain that it wasn’t enough. For her, its a huge problem.
After consulting the doctor, who said she’s clinically healthy, and a lactation consultant, who said that I need to almost double my calorie intake, I returned to the doctor a week later, only to find out she’s still losing.
Went back this morning and she lost again! So, this time she didn’t get off so easy. They took blood. Do you know how rare that is? You know how hard it is to do? Do you know how hard it is to watch?
Unfortunately I do, and not just from todays experience. It’s awful. It’s painful. Your child hurts and you can’t do anything to help. Not only can you not help, but you have to assist in hurting them by holding them down so it doesn’t hurt worse.
And do you know they give a urine test to a baby? That, I found out today. I won’t describe it to you. It sucks too.
My heart is breaking. Only one healthy child out of 3… I mean, she may be perfectly healthy. But how do you reconcile the problems when you have this asshole who has the audacity to father 30 children! In 2009, he only had (hahaha “only”) 21 children. He fathered 9 children in the last 3 years, twice having 4 children in one year. I don’t wish anyone harm, especially children. I’m sure most, if not all, of his kids are in perfect health.
It’s times like these where I question the existence of God. I know I shouldn’t, but what more can I do. I tithe, I regularly attend church, I’m married, I have a decent prayer life, I take care of my family, my husband is the head of my household… I could go on and on. I do sin, but we’re humans, we all do. We can’t be perfect, it’s impossible, but I do work towards it.
I’m now rambling, so I’ll go now. I’ll just say that I’m sad and this sucks.